as i have recently realised, and as i am now freshly realising again, there are ghosts inside me that have not died. there are vines that have crept around my heart that are slowly suffocating me from the inside. and how do i deal with this? how do i cut them loose? no one can teach me how, can they? i am alone and i have to learn on my own. 

i really hate that i’m slowly being dragged back to this place. sinking in quicksand, dirt on my face and sand in my hair and blood on my skin. this place where i used to drown in the faults of my own. this place where the question lingered. where i am wrong. right now i cannot say with any certainty what it is that i want, but i know that surely this is one thing that i do not want, not now, not ever again. until i can walk back here with a triumphant smirk on my face, i don’t want to come back here. ever again.

and this time around is it love that you crown
and this time around you’ll be more than who you are

wow i’m really feeling incredibly lazy to go to the gym/for a run today. i think i’ll just work on arms and stomach at home. 

what am i talking about SIGH i will go in ten minutes time

i’m realising that perhaps i’m not capable of loving.

not now, not for awhile. 

what a mess. i really can’t trust myself right now. 

my weight is a joke omg. 

sad face to the power of infinity :((( i will work harder this week. 

also, why are all my appliances hanging on me?? my phone, my mac, MY KEYBOARD :( i think the kronos is on the brink of death, it can barely start up now and when it does, it’s basically unresponsive. sigh. shall sort this sad life of mine out tomorrow.

nothing that i’m doing/trying is working :( 
and i’m physically exhausted everyday. sigh.
i suppose i just need to push myself more 

i’m pretty sure this is food poisoning and it is not fun at all. i’ve been writhing in pain pretty much my whole day. couldn’t go out for tea with jia :( bummer. hopefully i’ll be well enough to go down to o school later *fingers crossed*